I BET YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D MAKE THE QUARTERLY DEADLINE. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, BITCHES?
WHO'S. LAUGHING. NOW?
WHO'S. LAUGHING. NOW?
Okay, so I'm about two weeks late. BUT A DIVA IS NEVER LATE. EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST EARLY. Right?
Yeah, that's just the sort of thing I expect from you, you little shit.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Okay, that's pretty fucking cool. BUT NO, ACTUALLY...
June 13, 2007 - Lovin' You
I would like to start things off by saying how much I HATE THIS FUCKING VIDEO.
See, I'd like to focus on how good our boys look in this video. I WOULD LIKE TO, but apparently Tohoshinki was not integral to the Director's "vision". So here they are, a Korean Greek chorus in Japan, presiding over a tale of fail and woe, that of...
CREEPY JESUS FREAK GUY
This caprese is not of the Lord.
Hey asshole, I need those for reading.
THE PLOT, OR LACK THEREOF, CAN BE SUMMED UP BY MR. DAVID CARUSO...
MR. JIM HARBAUGH...
MISS LANA KANE...
AND MRS. MORTICIA ADDAMS
Here's a few little tips I'd like to give the director about his tour de force. I'd like to express my feelings on the matter in gif form:
First of all...
about these actors or your fucking story. People want to see Tohoshinki looking hot. And...
So it's not a gif. Sue me.
AND BY SEX I MEAN YUNJAE. MAKE THESE GUYS THE STARS DAMMIT. MAKE THE P/V A TRAGIC LOVE AFFAIR AND THE FANGIRLS WILL BUY EVERY FUCKING COPY OF THAT SHIT. IF YOU CAN MAKE YAOI ANIME AND MANGA YOU CAN MAKE A YAOI MUSIC VIDEO BECAUSE JAPAN.
AND ALSO BECAUSE...
August 1, 2007 - Summer Dream
However, this video more than makes up for the FAIL of the previous one.
It has all the ingredients for a great Tohoshinki video:
If you look closely, you can see Changmin's bitchface every time Junsu leads the dance.
Real subtle, Junsu...
Every time the spotlight is on Yunho in this video, he gets faster, cheerier and more intense. It's like watching a compressed George Lucas film in human form. And on crystal meth.
Bonus points for capturing his flawless but all too brief PONYTAIL ERA.
WELL, MAYBE THIS.
SERIOUSLY THO. GO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND WATCH IT. ESPECIALLY NOW WHEN THE WEATHER IS SHITTY. AND THEN WATCH IT SOME MORE WHEN YOU MISS DB5K. WHICH IS ALWAYS.
September 19, 2007 - Shine
HERE IS AN OBLIGATORY SEXY MINSU GIFSPAM TO MAKE UP FOR THE FAIL:
THERE NOW ISN'T THAT BETTER?
November 14, 2007 - Forever Love
After the mind-numbing lack of ambition exemplified by the third PV from the T album, some genius thought, "Hey you know that video where we put Tohoshinki in a car and got them hot and sweaty and then they danced by the ocean? LET'S DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT."
THAT WOULD BE FOREVER LOVE. IT'S BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS. REALLY.
In it's favor, EVERYONE LOOKS GOOD with varying degrees of anime hair even though they cut Changmin's ponytail OMG THE HUMANITY
Junsu's default haircut for the next three years OMGSUN.
As usual, when singing a ballad, Yunho looks like he's in tremendous amounts of discomfort. I have chalked this up to the fact that he has to be still for long periods of time WHICH HE HATES.
FACT: If you look closely, you can see that Yunho and Yoochun got the EXACT SAME HAIRCUT! AWKWARD! Oh, well. It's better than that skunk look the Chunface rocked at the T concert. *shudders*
This is literally the best shot of Jaejoong in the entire video. Everything else was shot too tightly or badly lit.
AND STARRING SHIM CHANGMIN'S CHEEKBONES.
Again, there is no plot. But it doesn't really matter because AT LEAST IT'S NOT SHOT IN A GODDAMN SEWER. Also the set designer is on some interesting drugs. Here are some samples of the Mise-en-scène:
So...is she an astronomer? And explorer? A paleontologist? What?
An orchestra. In the desert. In the middle of an overcast night. OKAY...
There is also a sandstorm and sweltering heat at one point, which only Changmin apparently realizes is supposed to look unpleasant to walk though. No, I'm not counting Yunho because he always looks sad in ballad videos. ALWAYS.
December 09, 2007 - Together
IF YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH PURPLE LINE, LET ME CLUE YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PURPLE LINE IS THAT...
Yoochun really wants to touch himself...
The sooner his "Oppa is NOT gay" fangirls accept this fact, the better it is for humanity.
So. You'd think that with half the videos made for the T album that the album was shitty BUT IT WAS NOT IT WAS AWESOME YOU SHUT UP. The real highlight of this era is the live performances, PARTICULARLY THOSE FROM THE MADE OF GOLD AND CRACK T CONCERT AT SAITAMA STADIUM EVEN THOUGH YOOCHUN WAS MOST LIKELY COKED TO THE GILLS AND SICK THE ENTIRE TIME. Seriously, half of the fun of watching these performances is watching everyone else (including Jaejoong fer chrisssakes) bringing their motherfucking A game because Yoochun by all rights should have been in the hospital for either pneumonia or acute cocaine intoxication. Or both. the other half of the fun usually involves watching Yunho, from his HAIR OF ABSOLUTE PERFECTION...
...and more as you'll see later.
After all, the T Concert gave us this:
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR, JUST LOOK AT YUNHO'S CROTCH. THEN LOOK AT JAE'S CROTCH. YOU'RE WELCOME.
T Concert: Ride On
I'm gonna take this opportunity to formally apologize for Yoochun's voice here. He sounds AWFUL. I don't know why the engineers didn't turn down his mic and just let him lipsync. Because DAMN.
AGAIN, IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, HERE IS THE HIGHLIGHT REEL:
A safe bet, if I post a live performance is to just keep your eyes on Yunho....
T Concert: Darkness Eyes
...UNLESS OF COURSE I TELL YOU TO LOOK AT CHANGMIN'S GROIN.
JFC, look at it BOUNCE.
If two different hip thrusts are not showing up REFRESH UNTIL IT DOES IT IS SO, SO WORTH IT. YOU MAY WANT TO DON A PAIR OF SAFETY GOGGLES FIRST THO.
BAH GAWD, IT'S A 5 MAN STEEL CAGE MATCH!
Also JFC DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE DANCING ON A GODDAMN CONVEYOR BELT? I WOULD FUCKING BARF AND BOTH COKED UP YOOCHUN AND UNCOORDINATED MONKEY JAEJOONG ARE HANDLING IT LIKE PROS.
I don't know if YooSuMin's "Counting Game" was part of the official closing Saitama Concert BUT BY GOD IT SHOULD BE.
Just skip to 1:30. YOU DON'T NEED SUBTITLES FOR THIS IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF FANSERVICE. Also note the porny sound effects Yunho makes in the background that go perfectly with Yoochun's "acting".
Again, the Highlight reel:
T Concert: CLAP
Preempted by a little number that shows off their flawless rhythmic sensibilities and comic timing.
T Concert: Kiss Shita Mama Sayonara
100% live vocals. If DBSK had a highlight reel for their career, this song would be on it. Everyone sounds gorgeous, but Junsu sounds like he opened up his chest and poured his entire heart and soul into the song. Their harmonies sound like ANGELS DESCENDING FROM HEAVEN I AM NOT EXAGGERATING IN ANY WAY. Even sick and coked out Yoochun brings his best to this. Helps that he (and Jaejoong) wrote it. AND THE CLIMAX SHISUS TAKE THE WHEEL.
NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT "LONG WAY PEOPLE" MEANS EITHER. I CHALK IT UP TO CHUNGLISH.
Soul Power (nice pun, guys) T Concert: Love in the Ice
THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE NEVER HEARD, AND ONCE YOU HEAR IT, YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I want this song to be the last one I hear before I die. It's THAT good. It's not from the Saitama concert (note Chun's lack of skunk hair, Jae's honey blonde locks and Changmin's ponytail which means this took place sometime before Forever Love but after Summer Dream). IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Their voices are in top form AND YOU COULD BURN A GODDAMN HOUSE DOWN FROM THE HEAT BETWEEN YUNJAE WHEN THEY SING THEIR DUET OMGSUN. And if the bridge, with Junsu's climb and Yoochun's soulful wail doesn't give you the chills YOU ARE NOT HUMAN AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU, REPLICANT.
I wonder how they felt as they were wrapping the song up, knowing that perhaps it was one of the best performances of their LIVES thus far.
Heh. I feel like I just bludgeoned you with AWESOME.
2nd Japanese Tour: LIVE AT BUDOKAN
Yeah, I know I should have posted this under the previous Japan entry BUT LOOK AT CHANGMIN'S HAIR SEE THE PONYTAIL TIME IS IRRELEVANT. This is another classic in the DONG BANG FUCKING SHIN KI LIVE PERFORMANCE CANON because TEARS and DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS IRONY. You see, if you ever watch it with the group's commentary on and subtitled, you will hear Changmin and Jaejoong mocking Yoochun and Junsu (JUNSU, the consummate professional LOST HIS SHIT) for crying (and also Yunho for getting misty-eyed) in response to the love of BigEast (their Japanese fanbase). Yunho finally got so choked up that he couldn't sing at the end. He really needs to let it out; promise to his dead grandpappy or no. If he doesn't get more in touch with his feelings, HE'S GOING TO SNAP AND MURDER SHINEE BUT NOT CHANGMIN BECAUSE MIN IS TOO WILEY TO BE KILLED. The irony is delicious because of this:
What a difference a few years, catastrophy, lawlsuits and blackballing makes! But more on that LATER. NOW IS FOR HAPPY TIMEZ.
Like Dystopian Japan. To be specific, Koda Kumi's Fingernails in Dystopian Japan. What does this have to do with Dong Bang Shin Ki/Tohoshinki? WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
Koda Kumi - Last Angel (featuring Tohoshinki
They all look so good. Even Junsu with his Frosted Flake hair. The Japanese stylists somehow convinced Yunho to paint his nails (YEARS before Junsu does it for Tarantallegra) AND IT WORKS FOR HIM. Changmin is bringing the sexy every time Kumi is near him like GIRL GIRL OMG HOT GIRL UNF. This might be Yoochun's best rapping in Japanese EVER.
And look at her, she's so tiny! SHE ALSO GIVES GIRLS WITH LONG TORSOS AND SHORT LEGS HOPE THAT WE TOO CAN BRING THE HOTNESS. Crunch time!
SRSLY look at Changmin. The poor boy can barely contain himself. YOU CAN PRACTICALLY HEAR HIM WHIMPER. In fact, just for shits and giggles, you should watch this video more than once. Watch it first for your own enjoyment and then watch how each of the guys interact with her.
Yoochun turns his confident swagger up to 11. Yunho is the Best. Wingman. Ever.
Junsu is all business.
Jae is wondering where she got her hair done.
Yunho is too busy being FAAAAABULOUS to notice but OMG CHANGMIN literally stares at her ass at least once in almost every scene. Unfortunately for our snarky maknae, she appears to be more interested in Junsu OH SNAP THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD APPLY THAT CHAPSTICK DAILY MIN.</i>
She should collaborate with Yoochun again at least. They had the best blend.
*SCROLLS UP* OMG I'VE GONE ON QUITE A BIT HAVEN'T I? BUT I'M NOT DONE YET. I have instead chosen to give you one more DELICIOUS DELICIOUS TASTE OF THE CHANGMIN SAMURAI HAIR. ALSO THE HAMMER.
The Hammer is his penis.
DON'T BE SO MODEST. ANYWAY, here's a solo performance from our favorite snarky maknae, Wild Soul
In case you're thinking that I'm just being a delusional fangirl fooled by photoshop, WATCH THE FUCKING PERFORMANCE. Even the cameraman focuses several times on Changmin's groin like "Is that real?" "It can't be real." "JFC it IS real."
And on that note, I bid you ANNYEONG! Until next time...