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Love Phoenix and Despair
I don't do this for the fanfare...

bigbangpartyhard


...or the swag

gdragonswag


...or the amazing sex with Nichkhun...

sexykhuntime


I do this for us...

cassiopeiagif


...and I do it for them.

dbskgivesmenopoints

Oh, come on you guys. Couldn't you muster a little enthusiasm?


xiahnodsoff

WAT.

sadsantana


chunwantstotouchhimself

That's...great. How about the rest of you bring it somewhere to a middle?


minwept

This is why Paradise Ranch was terrible. You have no range.


changmingun

Changmin, I will get you a delicious X-tra large New York-style pizza if you get the others to show me some appreciation for all my hard work. And if you put down the gun. That would be nice, too.




ALL RIGHT, ON WITH THE SHOW.


kermitflail




Begin (June 21, 2006)




Japan is so fucking cutting edge. They anticipated the rise of the Marvel movie franchise by at least 6 years, which is why they have our boys singing in front of Yggdrasil.


takemetomidgard


Are they trying to persuade Heimdall to send them back to Midgard? I DON'T KNOW.


yggdrasilbifrost



All this stress over the relative failure of any of the singles off their first album to break has started to take it's toll on DBSK. Yoochun looks very thin and pale. Junsu needs a hot oil treatment for his hair.


JunsuV05STAT


And Yunho looks like someone is twisting his scrotum in a not pleasant way when he sings.


yunhosinginghurts

Wae do you hate my groin so much?


The cinematographer is trying to compensate for their haggard appearances by applying copious amounts of vaseline to the lens. Trouble is, he only applied it to the bottom half.


vaselinelens
Tell me I'm not seeing things.


Porndrop

Fangirls are so distracted by Changmin dropping his YunJae blackmail pictures that they don't notice Junsu about to make his move on some chick. Also, why are they using a wind machine? Their hair is moving but they are not.



ChangminTrap

Help! Changmin is trapped in the picture!



AWKWARD POSES ARE AWKWARD.

AWKWAAAAAARD

AwkwardHo

AwkwardJaeNotTouchingYou

AwkwardMin


What makes it all worth it is the nicely edited climax, when Tohoshinki and their female counterparts (EXCEPT FOR YOOCHUN BECAUSE HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK) come alive like the mannequin in...Mannequin.

MAGIC


This is the most beautiful singing they've done in Japanese to date. It is one of their all time greatest vocal performances, and finally, the hard work pays off - Begin is a huge hit. The "disappearing around a piano" trick would be revisted in the Stand By U video later, with much sadder connotations.

Sky (August 16, 2006)




Look how happy they are outside on the beach, in the sun!

superhappyfunbeachtohotime


I know i run the risk of ageing myself here, but they're totally doing the NKotB dance from "The Right Stuff"


YOU ARE ONLY AS OLD AS YOU FEEL. SHUT UP.



Junsu got his v05 hot oil on I see...

junsuV05unlocked


Cutoff stonewashed jean jacket Yunho? Really?

sleevelessjeanho

Really.

On the bright side, at least the stylists were wisely allowing Yunho to grow his hair out, and his rapping is not yet awful. BUT IT WILL BE.

---"O"-Jung.Ban.Hap. Released in Korea (September 29, 2006)---


Miss You/O (November 8, 2006)




Miss You opens up with a tender, late-80s R&B ballad sound and then sloooowly moves into WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING OH MY GOD TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF feelings not unlike watching gay porn on tumblr and trying to click away from it before your parents/significant other/kid walks into the room. I have advice for the people who wrote this song:

punchyourself


You can always tell time by Jae's hair. It is now post "O" platinum blonde.

platinummissyoujae

This video must have been shot after all the "O" Korean videos had been in the can. Even Jae's hair can't change that fast.



LOOK! Changmin is wearing a hat to hide his hideous hairstyle the noonas gave him

heylooklensflaremin


SRSLY STYLIST NOONAS. EXPLAIN THIS SHIT.

deargodminno


There is SO. MUCH. AUTOTUNE. in Miss You that it makes me want to go back in time and punch Cher in the fucking babymaker.
cher_believe_gif

Thanks a lot.



Yunho's hair=perfection

yunhohairperfection


What is this? Why does Yoochun's hair look great?

lookingoodchun

Japanese stylists must have attacked him with scissors the moment he hit baggage claim



This happens more often than you might think.


Changmin is always listening to his iPod.

changminiPod

His fave track? The sound of weeping fangirls.


thefuqucryin4

JFC Stranger Bitch. It's only been 3 months and you're texting all of Tohoshinki that you miss them. In other, TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS, Big East is born.



In closing, I fucking hate this song, but they are so very pretty.




Stripped of the visually arresting political statements, cheesey special effects shots are tacked on instead.

yunhopoliticalstatement

YUNHO'S HIPSHAKE IS TOTALLY A METAPHOR FOR THE HEGELIAN DIALECTIC OKAY.


Bad Yoochun hair is bad. Why they felt they needed to replicate his hair from the Korean MV I'll never know.

dresslikethat

I'm going to have to post the picture in the "O" post. I am not posting that hideous shit twice. In it's place is my feelings about the matter.


Changmin. Has. Cornrows.

jfcminwae



FACT: no Korean looks good in cornrows.


jfcnotaeyangno

That means you too, Taeyang.


joonisnotimmune

Even the superfoine Lee Joon is not immune to the Charisma-crushing effects of Cornrows on Koreans.


Junsu's hair is black again, per change for Korean releases

junsubackinblack


Yoochun looks like a hobo. Okay, so I lied. Shut up before y'all make me smile.

chunhobo


They are dancing with prerecorded black and white versions of themselves in the background. I am not making this up.

dancingwithminself



Step By Step (January 24, 2007)




This video is exemplary for how most of the video shoots the boys separately but there still manages to be ridiculous amounts of sexual tension between Jaejoong and Yunho. Observe:

postmacroyunjaemoment


Jae is an Autumn

jaeisanautumn


Changmin is a Winter

changminisawinter


JUNSU DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT TIME OF YEAR IT IS AS LONG AS IT'S NIGHT

junsuisthenight


Chunface is a Cherry Blossom Boy and his hair has ~*magically*~ gone from black to strawberry blonde

cherryblossomchun


Yunho is a Summer and is finally singing in his own range for once. Here he is, feeling himself up because MOOBS.

yunhomoobsummer


stepbystepyay


Choosey Lover (March 7, 2007)




I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there...

sitdownjae


...and let me tell you that this is the greatest Prince song that Prince didn't write of all time. OF ALL TIME.

princeumwat

I take it by your silence that you approve, Your Royal Purpleness.


Sorry, gorgeous black girl. Yunho is not interested in women.

sorrygirlsimgay


He is gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

ohdearchristyunho


He is Gay Gayerson McGayGay.

yunhosonothetero


He is Fifty Shades of Gay.

stopitjuststopyunho


I MEAN...

deathstare


You may just want to hit up Junsu.

telisu

THEY DID IT AND YOU KNOW IT.

(Full Disclosure: Telisu-era Su is quite possibly my favorite Su era. Despite the fact that his Xiah!Tod-era Su is hot as fuck with the platinum blonde hair, guyliner, black nail polish and Bowie-like androgyny, he lost a little too much weight. Telisu-Su had put on a little weight, so that he filled out his jeans like WHAT and made me want to bite those juicy thighs-I MEAN OMGSUN LOOK AT THEM JFC-till he screamed...with pleasure)


YOU'RE WELCOME.


AHEM.


Changmin has an oral fixation but WE ALL KNEW THAT

changminoralfixation


Everyone looks AMAZING.


My only complaint (as usual) is Yoochun's hair, but even that is not so bad.


FREESTYLE TIME, BITCHES.


Solo dance Junsu: FRINGE EVERYWHERE




NO, NOT THAT FRINGE, THIS FRINGE.

Junsu Fringe



Solo dance Yoochun: PIMP DANCE

chooseypimpdance


Solo dance Yunho: WEIRD BONELESS GRACE

weirdbonelessyunho


Solo dance Changmin: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU LOOK LIKE A WILLOW TREE IN A HURRICANE

changminWTF


Solo dance Jaejoong: DO NOT LET THIS MAN FREESTYLE EVER I MEAN SRSLY ARE YOU DRUNK JAE?

nojaeno



It occurs to me that, other than Tohoshinki, there are only women in this club. Are they in a lesbian bar? it would explain why no one is mobbing them and ripping their clothes off.


Yunho time. While Jae grabs his crotch. Unconsciously I'm sure.

yunhotimejaecrotch

You thought I was making it up, didn't you? Ha!


Another Yoochun trick that he worked on for weeks. Only for them to render it in CG dammit.

ChunCoinFlip


Yunjae fistbump. Later they will bump uglies.

fistbumpuglies



BECAUSE... YUNJAE...

googooeyes

IS...

jaestare

REAL!!!

twirlingevertwirling


---Five in the Black Released in Japan (March 14, 2007)---

But guess what? I'm not going to talk about that now. Or in the next episode. Becuase next time I have to talk about this:

O_Jung.Ban.Hub_Version_D_WTF

In which the stylists take it out on DBSK that they've been out of work for six months.


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