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Finally, the Cat has come back to OMFG DONG BANG FUCKING SHIN KI YOU GUISE



So Imma bout to do what I do best and that's LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON YOUR CANDY ASS NO STEAL YOUR TV AND JUMP OUT THE WINDOW NO, DROOL OVER GORGEOUS KOREAN MEN AND TRY TO BE FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME.

That's right, bitches. It's time...



NO.

</p>

MAYBE.



YES.


I MEAN NO! It's time to wrap up Save the Drama for Your Umma with my VERY SPECIAL RECAP of UNFORGETTABLE LOVE!!!

It all starts with that cad Yunho having a date on White Day and OMG IT'S NOT JAEJOONG. WHAT IS LIFE. WHAT IS AIR.

It's a blind date. THAT'S RIGHT, SOME RANDOM LUCKY BITCH GETS TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YUNHO. Excuse me while I go buy a new monitor because I just threw mine out the window.

The rest of the boys, being single and miserable thanks to smothering fangirls, NO contract stipulations, NO the ~pressures of fame~, sit around getting drunk on soju and proceed to have an orgy, then upload it on the internet NO painting their nails, eating ice cream, and crying while watching some yet-to-exist Kim Jae Wook drama through the miracle of Changmin's reality-warping powers NO, BUT YOU'RE GETTING WARMER.

Mmm...Kim Jae Wook.



*ahem*



THEY LOUNGE AROUND EATING RAMEN AND TALK ABOUT THEIR EXES. ALL THEY NEED IS A CAT AND THIS IS A FUCKING MEG RYAN MOVIE.



Oh, Junsu.



For your cat-lady status, you go first. He tells us of a girl of surpassing goodness and kindness. He meets her in a bank LIKE A BOSS WITH HIS GIANT PINK PIGGY BANK. It's love at first sight.


or something like that...I mean, I love you Su but you LOOK LIKE A CREEPER OKAY



Wait. Wait one goddamn minute, Su. Did you say her name was HeeBon? Well...I'm sure there's plenty of Korean girls with that name, nothing to worry about...


OH SHIT IT'S THAT CRAZY GHOST BITCH FROM DANGEROUS LOVE! NO, JUNSU, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!





So the girl is pretty and gives Yunho a run for his money in the saint department. What could possibly go wrong?

Junsu passes his audition for SME. Which makes him, like, TWELVE FUCKING YEARS OLD, SBS WRITING STAFF!!!

Article A:



Article B:




Back the fuck up, PedoBear, he's LEGAL now




Anyway, I hope he has a good lawyer. And a gun. Because he just told Heebon that they won't be able to spend as much time together as they did before.


SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!



Needless to say, she doesn't take the news well. And SHOCKING I KNOW she starts calling Junsu constantly (THE FACT THAT HE CAN EVEN GET RECEPTION IN THE SME DUNGEON IS ASTOUNDING AS IT IS), emasculating him in public, and finally resorting to BREAKING INTO HIS GODDAMN APARTMENT AND PLASTERING THE WALLS WITH PICTURES OF HER but Changmin doesn't care as long as she doesn't touch the fridge.


All those interruptions, plus the cost of moving is gonna mean forty lashes plus nothing but rice and water for a week!



FINALLY after she shows him her CREEPTASTIC COLLECTION OF JUNSU MEMORABILIA (hair, unfinished food, used tissues ew ew ew THAT'S NOT MUCUS HEEBON OMG WAE)...


This is Prince judging you, Heebon.



...he breaks up with her (ACTUALLY HE RUNS AWAY AND SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL SAME DIFFERENCE OKAY), but for the second time I gotta revoke his Korean Card because any other Korean male would have WHIPPED OUT THE GOLF CLUB BY NOW and that goes double for Changmin BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.


You're enjoying this, you sick bastard! HNNNNNNNNNNG.



ANYWAY, MOVING RIGHT ALONG...we have Jaejoong...

Stop laughing.

We have Jaejoong...

I said STOP laughing.

We have Jaejoong and his psychic girlfriend.

OKAY NOW YOU CAN LAUGH BECAUSE IF SHE WAS SO PSYCHIC THEN SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YUNJAE IS REAL.




So to give you context to this, the girl is basically a mudang, that is, a Korean shaman, an intercessor between gods and human beings. WE ALSO LEARN THAT JAE HAS A DAVE BRUBECK RINGTONE, WHICH JUST MAKES HIM AWESOME.


But not awesome enough to get any. WONK WONK.



But she should have known the rules. Too many times she used her powers so he could profit, or worse, to accuse and punish him for things he hadn't even done yet (Like Minority Report, only WITH MOAR LULZ) so she could control him, thus thwarting the Fates, not to mention being kind of a bitch.



They break up. Jae becomes the accident prone monkey we know and love today. She becomes a mudang, gets struck by lightning AND DIES.

SO YEAH.

Yoochun spins his tale next. Long ago, before he became a pimp, he was a 98-pound weaking with asthma OH WAIT who one day got picked on by bullies and rescued by a girl...


Like Jaejoong, she brings the gender ambivalence. Unlike Jaejoong, she's not pretty.



...who turns the gender tables on Yoochun AND HE LIKES IT. He tries to court her in the traditional fashion, but ends up being kinda girly about it. She is aloof, but agrees to date him IF HE CAN KICK HER ASS.


Only less sexy.



Yoochun (or his stunt double) shows off his taekwondo skillz. The Pimp wins. But his troubles are only beginning. Both of them spent. They lie on the floor of the boxing ring, sweat glistening, breathing heavy. the Pimp goes in for a kiss and...


Something is seriously wrong with this picture.



...IS DENIED! IS THIS REAL LIFE? Like Changmin, she'll let him buy dinner though. Classy. Moar trouble comes in the form of another girl who wants Yoochun's girlfriend.


Yoochun's Brain: Can I watch?



Challenged by Yoochun's suspicious behavior after his encounter with the secret admirer, his girlfriend gets more assertive (IF THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE) and goes to "make her mark" OMG WILL SHE LEAVE HICKEYS ON HIS MILK WHITE SKIN SHISUS TAKE THE WHEEL.


Hey, look! It's Cassiopeia!



The Lesbian admirer doesn't just break up their kiss. Oh no. She pushes Yoochun out of the way and lets his clueless girlfriend lay a big one on her. And of course, this being Korea THIS AUTOMATICALLY TURNS HIS GIRLFRIEND GAY *FACEPALM*


Jae, Junsu, and Changmin. Appropriate reaction is appropriate.



There's only one person left who can save us from this circle jerk of misery. Unfortunately, Changmin's story doesn't get funny until you're watching it for the second time. You'll soon understand what I mean.

Changmin, offended that anyone would doubt a deep and surpassing love story coming from a boy of barely 18, commences to tell his EPIC LOVE STORY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

It all started with paper cranes being left in Changmin's path every morning as he made his way to school. He gets curious enough to head out early, sneak by, and see if he can catch who was dropping the cranes. He sees...


...dead people.



Same name, same actress...GDI LAZY DRAMA WRITERS. Perhaps thinking there was something familiar about this girl, Changmin is instantly smitten OMG CHANGMIN IS IN LOVE WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN FOOD



If I may keep it real for a moment, I must say that Changmin's voice over work here is very good, with the right amount of wistful, aching sweetness. I truly believe that along with Yoochun, he has the most potential as a serious actor out of the Five -


Broadway musicals notwithstanding, Junsu!



- and now that I've gotten that out of the way, I request that you watch the rest of the episode before you continue reading. I'll wait. SPOILERS BELOW.


Watch Dbsk - Unforgettable in Entertainment  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com



...


...


...

You may have watched that episode and thought "WTF! This crazy bitch is letting her bias for Changmin trick her into thinking that he was a good actor. All I saw was HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"



First of all SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH.



Second of all, realize that Changmin is a very intelligent individual. If you don't believe in his skills or intelligence go back and watch his improv work on The King's Man again. Then watch his segment in Unforgettable Love again.

Changmin. Is. In. On. The. Joke!



Even in character, as it were. His acting is deliberately unnatural and over-the-top, because he is portraying an 18-year-old boy's idea of a soap opera. He knows how ludicrous the plot is, but knows that the final result (making his hyungs cry, then them getting wise to his fibbing) won't be as funny if he undersells the part. He knows it's ridiculous to be more torn up about BoMi's illness than her own parents since HE JUST MET HER so of course HE GETS WILD-EYED AND GRAB-HAPPY with the doctor BEFORE COLLAPSING DRAMATICALLY INTO A TEARFUL HEAP at his feet as he begs the doctor to save this girl with less survival instinct than a housefly.

The fact that the story turns out to be a joke make one particular line stand out:



If Changmin is recounting his story to the others, basically regurgitating some drama (or mixing elements of multiple dramas) for their amusement, he got so caught up in pulling their heartstrings that he missed important details that at least one of them had enough brain cells to know was a red flag and that was HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY IS IN FEBRUARY JFC. The fact that H.O.T's "Full of Happiness" (which has so much Lyrical Dissonance when Changmin gets a hold of it - he voice almost breaks with sorrow when he sings it to BoMi in the hospital and the original version sounds inappropriately perky when we finally hear it)...




...came out when he was in grade school and that cassette players were obsolete in SK is just icing on the CAKE OF FAIL.

AS YOU ARE NOW AWARE, ChangMean succeeded in making his hyungs cry, and was only saved from their ensuing wrath and his own painful death by pillow by the clueless Yunho, who has returned from a date with a girl who was sweet and calm (Junsu's Girl), does fortunetelling as a hobby (Jaejoong's Girl), boxes in her free time (Yoochun's girl), but seemed sickly (Changmin's FAKE Girl). He gloats and asks them if they're jelly, but they leave him in pity and disgust.

AND I'M SPENT. NEXT TIME I BEGIN (HAR HAR) WITH DONG BANG SHIN KI'S CRUSADE TO CONQUER JAPAN. I SWEAR IT WILL BE SOONER THIS TIME!

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
julili
May. 3rd, 2011 10:59 pm (UTC)
oh trololololo UNNIE JJANG!
onthethruway01
May. 5th, 2011 12:50 pm (UTC)
awesome
hitoricrow
May. 24th, 2011 04:38 am (UTC)
LMAO! I fucking love you so much!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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